courtesy of www.thetravelingjournal.com

That being said, I missed writing so much! God did some amazing things in my life over the last year, and I am excited for all He has planned for this year.

As I was thinking of last year and praying over this year, God kept guiding me to one passage in the book I was currently studying. In 2 Corinthians 6:13 Paul is speaking to the Corinthians telling them that he has opened his heart wide to them, loving them despite their sinful actions, and he asks them to do the same for him and the rest of the believers; he says “open wide your hearts also”.

This little sentence, nothing more than a blip on the radar, really resonated with me. Is my heart open wide? To some it is. When I see a child, any child, my heart wants to nurture, help, comfort, play, and love. But what about when I see a tough looking teenager loitering outside the grocery store? What about the know-it-all classmate? Is my heart open to the elderly homeless man on the side of the freeway off ramp? I know my heart locks up when I’m around someone who has hurt me in the past. Even close friends. Sometimes I feel my heart closing because I’m grieved by what they have or haven’t done and I just don’t want to deal with it.

I’ve realized that my heart is automatically closed to a lot of people for a lot of reasons.

God, today, asks me to open my heart to a world of people and possibility. He has a lot of things for me to do, and I will need a wide open heart to do them effectively.

How to expand my heart?

Honestly, that is something I am still working through, but I think it comes down to spending time with Him first. My own resources of love only go so far before they are completely exhausted. God’s love filling my own heart will keep me from expecting anything in return from those I open my heart to. God’s protection and filling will keep me from being afraid of getting hurt by those I love.

As I look to the horizon of this year, I know it is going to be special- really special. I don’t know why, but God does. There are going to be changes, hard and good. I will look out to the distance from the tops of mountains of triumph and love. I will also cry out from pits of despair and hurt. I know these are in the future, but I am excited for both of them because they were planned for me by my faithful Savior.

I thank God in advance for everything He has planned for me this year, and I pray I have the courage to follow Him and trust Him to no end. I pray the same thing for you, my friends and I wish you a blessed 2012. Widen your hearts in preparation for all the people and places the Lord has planned for you to touch and be touched by.

I throw my purse in a corner, peel off the layers made necessary by the windy rainy Seattle evening, and lay down all my inhibitions. As I begin to gain my composure, he approaches. A nod, a smile, and an outstretched hand.

Each dance is an adventure. I most likely have never met my partner, but I have to trust him. The more I stop thinking, planning, and worrying the more control he has and the more potential for magic. I let him push, pull, and sway. A push to the shoulder blade sends me spinning. A pull of the hand brings me back close. A sway of the hips tells me which way to go next.

As I reflect upon the magic that I experience when I dance with someone, I am reminded of my Savior. As with all things that are truly beautiful, for me swing dancing holds truth at the center of it, and all truth is from God.

My dance with my loving Lord is not unlike my earthly dances. I have to trust Him. Once I trust that He will get me through this dance safely and He knows what He’s doing, the opportunity for glorious things opens up. He pushes, pulls, and makes me do things I never thought I could.

There is one move that always reminds me of Jesus. He pushes one way, then the other, and lets go… When I first learned this move, I was terrified. I stayed stationary instead of going along with the momentum he was trying to create for me. The result was disappointing to both of us. Now, I know that it is one of the most gratifying moments on the dance floor. I let him move me with the utmost confidence that whatever happens will be beautiful. Before I know it he catches me in his arms again and I feel closer than ever.

Oh Jesus! What an exquisite picture of what you have in store for all of us. Adventure, beauty, fun, and love. You are so fun and creative. Thank you for speaking to my heart through something as silly as dancing. I thank you for painting my life with your love.

I accept your invitation to dance my life away with you. I choose not to pass up this opportunity to live a life that is meaningful, beautiful, and oh so exciting and fun!

Let Jesus lead you in your dance! He will make you spin, twirl, and sway like you never knew you could. He will make the world look at you and say, “wow, that is awesome! I want some of what she has!” He will make your life wonderful, as only He can. Trust Him and enjoy the ride!

I look upon my shattered heart
and try to piece it back.
I look for aid,
but all around the Enemy attacks.

Lay it down and
you will see
the healing of My
Love
For
Thee.”

I know I’m no poetess, but I love that God is always preparing us. I wrote that after a great date! I don’t remember what possessed me to write it- what was going through my heart at the time- but God used it now to bless me and remind me that He always has a next step, a next plan He is readying our hearts and souls for. I don’t know what tomorrow’s plan is, but boy am I excited for it! He has brought me to physical and spiritual places I never thought I would go. He gives me supportive loving friends, He takes me on adventures all over the world, and He plants passions in my heart.

God has plans for you too…big plans. And He is preparing you right now for what is to come. The heartbreaks, the frustrations, the boredoms of today will all make sense in the light of what He is planning for your tomorrow. Trust that this is true, and live like this is true. Let the Potter mold you. It may will hurt, but the end result is beautiful beyond words- a true work of art. Let today’s sufferings be the precursors to tomorrow’s triumphs. Rejoice in your sufferings! He has ordained them and He is with you! Praise the Lord!

*Love to you all!

I see the hurts, the pains, the struggles. I see the laughter, the adventure, the silly joys of life! All of it, all of it, I am so thankful for.

For every tear cried was kissed away by the Comforter himself. Every giggle was inspired by the God of all my joys. Every pain knit me closer to His side. Every triumph was gifted to me by my indulgent Father.

I am so proud of this year because I know God has used every part of it to glorify Himself. That is all I ask for the next…

Lord let this next year glorify You even brighter in my life. I have no idea what I am doing. I can barely see two feet in front of me. But You, oh Lord, You see it all! I pray that You would use this next year, or however long You have for me here, to glorify Yourself. My life is Yours. I am so excited for the adventure You already have me on, and I know there is only better and better ahead!

Thank You for using the things that this world (and sometimes I) see as curses, painful struggles, and messed up plans, and weaving them along with the joys and blessings into a beautiful tapestry of glory.

“Let everything that has breath praise the Lord!” Psalm 150:6

Cheers to another year of basking in the Love of Jesus! Another year of LEARNING, GROWING, and BECOMING who He called me to be!

*Thank you to all of you who are such a beautiful part of my life! You are the ones who love me, are patient with my silliness, and make life so so fun! I love you all dearly.

I’ve been struggling with forgiving someone in my life. I want him to feel the sting I feel because of him. I want him to feel bad about messing with my heart. I want him to know that he has been a constant trial in my life and I am sick of it! I want to punish him. I don’t want him to see me smiling and think, “Oh well, I’m glad she’s not mad at me or feeling bad about what happened!” because that is the exact opposite of how I feel: I am hurt and I do feel bad.

The struggle lies in the fact that I really do want to forgive. The only thing holding me back is my desire to punish.

This thinking is toxic. It’s like eating poison and expecting the other person to die. Bitterness and unforgiveness only hurts the one holding onto it. It eats you inside. It laces your thoughts and feelings with ugliness. It kills your joy and steals your peace.

I asked God how to forgive this person. God was faithful (as He always is) to reveal the ugly inclinations of my heart. I saw what would happen to me if I kept this up and I didn’t like it. I would then be the source of ruined relationships. God asked me to come to Him, the Maker of the Universe, with my hurt feelings. To come to Him when I am “deeply distressed and pray to the Lord and weep bitterly” but only unto Him- for His eyes only (1 Sam 1:10). For God is “near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit” Psalm 34:18.

Let God punish. Let God avenge. Who am I to punish anyone? I am the chief of sinners and I have probably done worse to someone else.

My spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak. I know it is going to be a huge battle with my flesh the next time I see him. He will never know how much it hurts to smile at him. He will never know the tears he caused my heart to cry. But You will, my Lord. The harder it is to show a kindness, the more it means to You, and the more proud You are of me. Let my life please you, my sweet, forgiving, Love Jesus. You are all that matters.

***I write all of this not because I want him to read it, or I want you to sympathize with me. I write it because I know that lots of people struggle with forgiving those who hurt us and it is so so confusing to deal with. I hope by being honest about my own struggles and by wrestling my issues out in front of you, you will be blessed to know that you are not the only screwed up and confused person out there. Give God what is His and rest in the peace He desires for you. Blessed are the peacemakers…

My heart hurts. I’m hot with anger, frustration, hurt, and humiliation. I want to scream and throw a tantrum. But I also want to fall to the floor and cry.

The problem is that I can only see what I can see. I see that an opportunity for love came before me. I see that, despite feeling a little scared to be vulnerable, I took the chance and went for it. I see that it wasn’t working. I see that my worst fears were all fulfilled; every vulnerability attacked.

I don’t understand at all why God let this person come back into my life. I don’t understand why God let me experience heartbreak with him…again! There are so many things about this situation that make me really confused and frustrated. But the very night it all happened, God had prepared me. He said, “I never called you to understand. I called you trust.”

I accept this truth. I believe that you love me and will work all things for my good because I love you (Rom 8:28). I choose to not care about all the whys. I choose not to believe the Enemy’s lies about me not being good enough for him. I trust you. I trust that you can see what I am blind to, and that this happened for a reason. I know that this is the BEST thing that could have ever happened. Even though it makes me want to cry and throw a tantrum, I know that this right here is the best place in the world for me right now, because that is the way you have orchestrated it.

I don’t understand anything about this, but I trust you.

“As for me, I would seek God,
and to God would I commit my cause,
who does great things and unsearchable,
marvelous things without number” (Job 5:8-9)

Lord, you do great unsearchable (unknowable, un-understandable) things, marvelous (beautiful, gorgeous, perfect) things. I hurt, but that will not keep me from coming to you. No, it will only bind me closer to your side. I take my hurts, my humiliations, my broken parts to you, and I don’t even need to ask- I know you will comfort, soothe, and heal. What would I do without you?

So this chapter with this person is finally over in my life, and I know that God penned it himself. This person was just one of the many characters in my story who will come and go. He will be the hero in someone else’s story, but his part is finished in mine. God, I still hurt, but I am so excited about the next chapter. This was just one of many plot twists that will make my tale all the more thrilling and unexpected. You are crafting a saga filled with suspense, adventure, interesting characters, and hopefully even a little romance. Make me into a heroine; created, shaped, and molded by your hands (Jer. 18).

Today I met with a friend for coffee (is there a better way to spend time? I think not). She is a wise friend, whom I love and always gives me great advice. She gave me something great to chew on and wrestle with- something the Lord has been trying to tell me too.

If my current posts haven’t given you any indication (I try to be a little cryptic), I have been struggling with giving something precious up to the Lord, and what that REALLY means in actual, real, practical life- not just in my prayers. I tell the Lord, “God, take it from me! It’s yours. I surrender all!” But then I go right on thinking about it, worrying about it, coveting it. What I say doesn’t match up with what I do.

My friend said to me that when she was going through a similar thing she knew she trusted the Lord when she could say, “My life will be the best with or without this [fill-in-the-blank: person, relationship, scholarship, job] because I trust You! If You take it away, it was the best thing. If You give, it was the best thing! I can be myself. I don’t have to worry about earning this [person, relationship, job] because I have given it to You, therefore whatever happens is Your decision, Your will, and therefore the BEST thing for my life! Thank you!”

My thing that I covet is something I have wanted for SO long. This desire has lived in my heart for six years. It’s something I never thought I would get. And now that I am having this wonderful season of bloom and blessing and the Lord is giving me a generous taste of it, the Enemy knows just how to use it to drive me from the feet of Jesus. He knows he just has to tell me that Jesus might take it away like He did before. This is exactly the right wound to reopen with me- it makes me go crazy! It drives me out of the garden and into a hiding place…

Oh! But the wonderful love of my Blessed Redeemer reaches me even there! He speaks truth to me through His word, His spirit, and the people in my life. The Truth is that Jesus loves me. The Truth is that Jesus loves this blessing, this person He’s brought into my life. The Truth is that all I need is Jesus to be content and joyful for the rest of my life. The Truth is that my joy will only be complete if I am in God’s will. The Truth is that God has a great plan for me. The Truth is that all will be well with my soul because it is in the hands of the Potter who formed and shaped it. He whispers, “Set your troubled heart at rest, and banish your fears” John 14:27 (NEB).

I feel that moment of release. Like floating in the pool. At first I am tense and slightly scared to let go, but ultimately I discover that through the very act of letting go, it gets easier to float. Instead of relying on my own strength I rely on Jesus, and He is faithful to carry the brunt of my weight and to guide the current of my life. So once again, I give this new thing in my life to you, my God, knowing that you will do the BEST! Thank you for this season of blessing and bloom, friendship and excitement, and keep my fears far away- let them not cloud my sunshine with fears of things that haven’t come to pass. I have the faith to expect the very best because however high the waters get, I am floating in the wonderful will of my Maker, my Husband, my God.

And not by just any person. You are loved by the greatest Lover in the history of time. By an Artist. By a Genius. By a Warrior. By a King.

He spoke to me last night in a still soft voice. He told me to be still and know that He is God. He told me to let Him be God, and to not try to do His job.

You see, I am a wrestler. I think, analyze, and then think some more. I am always, always, always wrestling with some problem. Most of the time I find, I’m actually wrestling with God Himself.

Last night He made me stop. He made me feel the shocking, almost frightening power of His love for me, and I couldn’t hold it inside of myself. I was overwhelmed by His love. I have these ideas about what it is to be loved by the Lord, but when it comes down to it, and I actually feel part of it, I am overtaken. I feel like I can’t breathe because it weighs so heavily and so real upon my whole body.

His love is real. You don’t always get to feel it, but when you do set up a stone of remembrance. This is my stone. I hope to read this again when I feel lost in the pit, and to remember the God, the Beautiful Savior, loves me. What a crazy but true thing! I don’t deserve even a little piece of it, but he gives it all! He “yearns” for us (Jer. 31:20)!

I don’t deserve it, but boy do I BELIEVE it! Believe and be satisfied my brothers and sisters. Believe and be satisfied!

I was reading through an old hymnal yesterday when I stumbled onto this little gem. I was totally struck with it and couldn’t stop thinking of it. It showed me how earthbound my mind and heart have been lately. I have been obsessed over my happiness and fate while on earth. I know this because the mere thought of losing something dear to me sends me into panic mode.

It is like a baby and his bottle. It brings him joy, nourishment, happiness. The mother gave it to him and it is good. Well, the baby drops the bottle and it rolls out onto the dirt. The loving mother promptly picks up the bottle and takes it back to the kitchen to clean it off. All the while, the baby is wailing. He wants his milk. As far as he knows his mom hates him and didn’t think he deserved that bottle. Of course we know that it was a loving act when the mom took his prized possession to clean it and make it safe for him. More often than not, I act like this baby. I only see that God has taken away something I loved, or my expectations aren’t being met. I go from happy and full to scared and distressed in an instant. Something is just not matching up. Something needs to change.

After reading the hymn a few times over I chose (not without difficulty) to make it my prayer. I said to the Lord that I would be content with whatever he gives me, be it all my current hopes and dreams, or the new ones he places in my heart. If he chose to wound I knew he would be faithful to bind up, if he chose to shatter I know he would be faithful to heal (Job 5). I chose not to hold my earthly joy greedily close, like an idol, but to lay it down, like a beautiful crown, at my Savior’s feet. The same thing that was an idol in my own hands could be a thing of beauty at the feet of my Jesus. It was a glorious revelation!

Oh, Jesus, let us seek you alone! Give us what YOU deem best. All our prayer shall be is more love, more love, more love to Thee!

My foolish heart always clings to the wrong things. To a dream, a desire, an adventure. These things are lovely and noble, but they’re not Jesus.

My heart is always five steps ahead of where God has me. It tempts me to follow it instead of trusting and following my Lord. It infects me with insecurities and drives me to act of my own accord. It coerces me to discontentedly live in my fantasies of tomorrow, instead of trusting God with tomorrow and loving and living today.

I am full of love, full of dreams, and full of the hope of Christ. There is so much to be thankful for. So instead of longing for tomorrow, next month, next year, I will love today. I will love where God has me: in a loving home in a beautiful city. I will love the people God has placed in my life: people who accept and support me despite my craziness. I will love and enjoy the blessed assurance that God is in love with me.

I choose not to be bitter, discontented, or worried today. I choose to love today.

…

Once again, thank you so much for your comments and for reading! I am shocked that my ramblings and heart cries mean something to anyone other than me. May God bless you with his love today.