Learning How to Die

Then he said to them all: “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it.”
Luke 9:23-24

This morning I woke up (against my greater desire to sleep). I opened the window and let the breeze play against my face for a few moments. I thought about all the things I wanted to do today. I thought about getting a cup of coffee, taking a walk, reading a little… What I didn’t think about was how I was going to die to myself today.

Then I heard this song come up on my morning playlist called “Learning How to Die.” I’d never really liked the song- honestly I don’t think I’d listened to it very closely. I thought it was about a terminally ill person coming to face with their death. Really, it’s about the conscious act of learning to die.

I spend so much of my energy learning how to live better. I think of all the ways to make life better for myself. I research recipes for my enjoyment, I go shopping by myself, I read trashy fiction novels to make me happy, I spend two hours watching a silly tv show on netflix. My life is spent on me learning how to have the most pleasure in this life.

What if that isn’t the point of living at all? What if the point of living is dying?

Jesus calls us to take up our cross daily. God turns life on it’s head all the time. He says the opposite of what we expect him to say. Here he asks us to give up all that we can say is ours. It seems crazy because it is, but it is a beautiful crazy.

So today, God, help me to die. Teach me what it means to let my life go and live through yours.

She said, “Friend,
All along I thought I was learning how to take
How to bend not how to break
How to live not how to cry
But really I’ve been learning how to die
I’ve been learning how to die”

The Ache

Have you ever felt the Ache? I’m not talking about a headache or a bad back. I’m talking about the Ache inside each of us that wants…more.

I felt it today…and am still feeling it a little even as I write this.

It starts when I see a couple holding hands while grocery shopping. Or when propel myself two months in the future to when I’ll be in France. Or when I see a mom letting her toddler kick fluffy dandelion tops all over the park.

Little triggers set my heart ablaze. I Ache for it all. Love, adventure, purpose.

Perhaps you ache for other things. It could be success, friends, notoriety, stability… The point is, we all want the next thing, the next step, the next love, the next kiss, the next friend, the next house, the next degree, next, next, next.

When my Ache became too much, too painful, too big, I realized it wasn’t about the couple or the kid or the trip. The Ache was about God. God is what I was aching for. God is what I needed (and still need).

The song I posted is hauntingly beautiful. It’s about a romantic relationship, but I think it captures a little bit of the thing God has put in us. “You know that it’s true, this heart was made for you” the chorus keeps repeating. It is true. Our hearts were MADE for Jesus.

C.S. Lewis said that we all have a God shaped hole in our hearts. No one would try to fill a car’s gasoline tank with marshmallows. In the same way, why do I try to fill the Ache in my heart with romance, daydreams, success?

I know it’s true, Jesus. My heart was made for You. You are the only one who will satisfy.

“The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.”
Isaiah 58:11

New Creations, New Songs

He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
Psalm 40:3

God, help me find my new song as a new creation in you.

I’m tired of singing my despair song.

I’m tired of trying to sound like other people.

I’m ready for my own song. The song you destined for me to sing since the day you breathed my soul into existence. I am ready to sing the song that lifts you higher. I long to sing the song that points others to you. Give me my “new song.”

O Jesus, you are so beautiful.
Your plan is all beauty and harmony.
The way you weave our lives together, in and out, intricate and immaculate, makes my mind reel.
There is nothing hard, or cold, or stuffy about you.
You are all tenderness, sweetness, and love.
Tonight, I am a deep ocean of thought and feeling, aching for you, my Lord.

Let Jesus give you a new song to sing, friend. He wants to change your mourning to joy. Let Him do a good work in you, and you will have the privilege of glimpsing the beauty of Jesus. Be encouraged! God is good, and he has a new life for you.

I Wanna Hold Your Hand

As I sit at my computer (“doing homework” I tell myself) I’m half listening to my Beatles record and I hear the familiar

“I wanna hold your haaannnd!
…
and when I touch you, I feel happy inside
it’s such a feeling I can’t hide I can’t hide I can’t hide!”

It has such a beguiling charm- those little words, “I want to hold your hand.”

Do people get excited about holding hands anymore? Maybe I’m old fashioned, unexperienced, and naive (actually I know I’m all those things), but I think there is something so adorable and sweet about holding hands.

Even on a non-romantic level a love-filled touch can make all the difference. I live on a floor with forty girls and I need, need, need my hugs from my sweet dear friends every day. It really just makes me feel happy and special and loved. Everyone needs that.

I’m also showered with kisses and hugs and cuddles at work. I know that sounds weird, but I work at a preschool and I teach a class of seven little one and a half year olds. Okay that may still sound weird, but they are like my kids. Yep, still sounds weird; but over the last few months I’ve realized that I am a huge part of their lives- like a second mom. So it makes sense that we are close! Anyways, nothing beats coming into my class and having seven round faced, bright eyed little kids run into my arms to cover me with kisses and smother me with hugs. That will turn any bad day into a sunshiny daydream!

All this to say, enjoy the little things in life! Surround yourself with people who love you and never take them for granted. Show them you love them every day and they will do the same.

It isn’t healthy to be alone. God desires you to live a full life, which includes corporate living and loving. Look to Jesus, he surrounded himself with friends to love and be loved by. He ate with friends, traveled with friends, and taught his friends.

If you are desiring community and love today, just look to Jesus. Lean on him to deliver you a friend or two. He is faithful and just to provide and wants your best.

I want to leave you with this verse from 2 Corinthians 13:11 (man what a great post- it starts with the Beatles and ends with the Bible!).

“Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you.”

Love to you all!

What to do on a Friday night…?

Who wants to know what I did last night?
You do! Sure? Okay, prepare to be impressed!

I pretty spontaneously saw Brandon Heath in concert! By “spontaneously” I mean that I didn’t plan it out months in advance like I normally do. I just bought tickets the day before and I am so glad I decided to go with a friend! It was wonderful.

If you don’t know Brandon Heath, why the heck not?!? He’s amazing!

I love so much about him.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love a lot of contemporary Christian music, but sometimes I feel like it lacks depth and variety of emotion (at least all the stuff spirit plays over and over). But Brandon has a raw honesty with the Lord in his music. He expresses his desire for love (yes, even earthly love); he’s honest about feeling hurt and resentful towards people. He actually reminds me of David in the Psalms.

David starts many of his Psalms saying, “Oh God where are you? Why don’t you hear my cries? Why have you turned your face from me?” He’s honest with God. Eventually he comes around to realizing God is always there, always listening, always loving, but it takes the initial honesty to get things rolling. Without that honesty he would have just been praying meaningless things to God, which I don’t think God cares about. God treasures when we invite him into the deepest pains and worries of our soul.

Another thing I love about Brandon Heath is his love for Jesus. It is so evident that he is in the throngs of love. His music just inspires me to love Jesus all the more and to treat my relationship with him like a love story. That’s always my cry, my desire, that I realize that I am already in the midst of the most beautiful love story of all time. I am loved by the King, the Creator, and I- yes I!- am his beloved, his bride, his masterpiece…

All that to say that I had a wonderful time destressing from this crazy week at the concert, I’m so glad I went, and Brandon, if you happen to read this, thanks so much for the truth and love of your music.

Blessings everyone~

my totally awful picture! dang phone!