Psalm of a Future Schoolteacher

I believe everyone experiences a moment where the world stops and they ask themselves an important question, “What in the world am I doing, here?” Suddenly the room you are in- it doesn’t make sense. The conversation you were listening to- why are you having this conversation? A breaking point, if you will.

Well, my breaking point came yesterday. Sitting in class listening to a lecture about my future- all the tests, regulations, classes, and portfolios I had to take and make before I could be a teacher. Sitting in the third row, being assaulted by so so many words, dates, times, requirements, and stupid acronyms, all flying at me like bullets, I broke. Blinking hard to keep back tears and a public breakdown, I wondered, “Why, God? I can’t do all of this…It’s too much. I can’t handle all these hands pulling on me every which way. It is too much for me. I want a time out.” All of a sudden, I questioned God’s plan for my life. Was I really meant to be a teacher? Was I really meant to be at SPU? All I knew so confidently was floating away from me- up in the air as they say.
Could it be that I am simply super stressed, in the throng of finals, unsure about my living situation, and working two jobs? Yes, that is most likely the source of my craziness. But I think there are times when everyone deals with a moment like this. It reminds me of David’s psalms. I always turn to the psalms when I feel strong about anything-strong love, strong anger, strong sorrow, strong joy. I find so much comfort in the psalms David writes when he is completely in distress, despair, discouragement.

He cries out to the Lord, “Why have you left me to deal with this on my own? I can feel the Enemy’s breath hot on my neck. Where are you, God?” Don’t you ever feel like that? Isn’t it amazing that these feelings of uncertainty and despair are in the word of God? And what’s more, they were written by a man “after God’s own heart.” It is so completely encouraging! You can cry to God! You can yell at God! You can ask God what you are REALLY thinking, not just the stuff you think you should be thinking.

So I yelled at God. I cried with God. And like each of David’s psalms, I ended by Praising my wonderful, lovely, forgiving, understanding, beautiful, perfect God. It was my psalm to God, and, flawed and selfish and brutally honest as it was, I know it was beautiful to God.

God calmed down my fluttering heart, steadied my gaze upon Him, and reminded me that I promised to go on this amazing journey called “Life” with Him.

I once read that those who are passionate by nature fly to the highest heights, but also plunge to the deepest depths. If I am anything it is passionate. God, I pray that you would be my autopilot. When I want to dip low, steady my course right above the clouds where I can glimpse your beautiful sun.

New Creations, New Songs

He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
Psalm 40:3

God, help me find my new song as a new creation in you.

I’m tired of singing my despair song.

I’m tired of trying to sound like other people.

I’m ready for my own song. The song you destined for me to sing since the day you breathed my soul into existence. I am ready to sing the song that lifts you higher. I long to sing the song that points others to you. Give me my “new song.”

O Jesus, you are so beautiful.
Your plan is all beauty and harmony.
The way you weave our lives together, in and out, intricate and immaculate, makes my mind reel.
There is nothing hard, or cold, or stuffy about you.
You are all tenderness, sweetness, and love.
Tonight, I am a deep ocean of thought and feeling, aching for you, my Lord.

Let Jesus give you a new song to sing, friend. He wants to change your mourning to joy. Let Him do a good work in you, and you will have the privilege of glimpsing the beauty of Jesus. Be encouraged! God is good, and he has a new life for you.

The Mess of Me

“If you think of this world as a place intended simply for our happiness, you find it quite intolerable: think of it as a place of training and correction and it’s not so bad”

CS Lewis

Wow! Two posts in a row with Lewis quotes- I know crazy, right? Well I couldn’t pass on this one. It is so unexpected!

At first read, it seems like he is being kind of a pessimist. Think of the world as a place not meant for your happiness? It kind of goes against every American ideal…pursuit of happiness and all that jazz…?

But when I read it again, I realize how incredibly FREEING it is! Like a breath of fresh air in a humid jungle, the realization that my life is not about me is an epiphany. Every time I feel stressed, it is because I think my life is all about ME. Every worry is for MY sake. Every burden is tangled up in the mess of MYSELF. I have made my life intolerable for myself by making it about me. How did I get to this point? I am consumed and enslaved by the snares of my wants, my desires, my worries, my cares.

But one little shift in perspective sets all to rights!

Jesus is the center. In him I have freedom from the monster in myself.

My perspective is so upside down. I forget that I am living for another world; that this is just my temporary home…that everything that is right in this world, is only so because it is a little remnant of what was in Eden, and what will be in that eternal bliss he is preparing for me.

Reader, I truly thank you for indulging me with reading on. I know I ramble and may not even come to a conclusive finish, but I so appreciate that you take the time to tag along. Have a blessed, blessed day!

What to do on a Friday night…?

Who wants to know what I did last night?
You do! Sure? Okay, prepare to be impressed!

I pretty spontaneously saw Brandon Heath in concert! By “spontaneously” I mean that I didn’t plan it out months in advance like I normally do. I just bought tickets the day before and I am so glad I decided to go with a friend! It was wonderful.

If you don’t know Brandon Heath, why the heck not?!? He’s amazing!

I love so much about him.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love a lot of contemporary Christian music, but sometimes I feel like it lacks depth and variety of emotion (at least all the stuff spirit plays over and over). But Brandon has a raw honesty with the Lord in his music. He expresses his desire for love (yes, even earthly love); he’s honest about feeling hurt and resentful towards people. He actually reminds me of David in the Psalms.

David starts many of his Psalms saying, “Oh God where are you? Why don’t you hear my cries? Why have you turned your face from me?” He’s honest with God. Eventually he comes around to realizing God is always there, always listening, always loving, but it takes the initial honesty to get things rolling. Without that honesty he would have just been praying meaningless things to God, which I don’t think God cares about. God treasures when we invite him into the deepest pains and worries of our soul.

Another thing I love about Brandon Heath is his love for Jesus. It is so evident that he is in the throngs of love. His music just inspires me to love Jesus all the more and to treat my relationship with him like a love story. That’s always my cry, my desire, that I realize that I am already in the midst of the most beautiful love story of all time. I am loved by the King, the Creator, and I- yes I!- am his beloved, his bride, his masterpiece…

All that to say that I had a wonderful time destressing from this crazy week at the concert, I’m so glad I went, and Brandon, if you happen to read this, thanks so much for the truth and love of your music.

Blessings everyone~

my totally awful picture! dang phone!